A Badfic Bingo card to take with you to fanfiction.net! I just read one that almost hit all of these. My face hurts from laughing so much.
god i love in fics when like the text is well-spaced, paragraphs are used wisely and it’s generally nice to read
then BAM SMUT SCENE THE AUTHOR SUDDENLY CAN’T USE PARAGRAPHS BECAUSE YOU KNOW THEY’RE TYPING BOWED DOWN AS FAST AS THEY CAN WITH THEIR CATHOLIC GRANDMOTHER IN THE NEXT ROOM AND A FOUR-YEAR-OLD PLAYING IN THE BACK ALL OF THIS WHILE THEY’RE IN SCHOOL
let’S PLAY “WHERE IS THE PORN”
A lot of ero writers these days are young, and therefore virgins. It’s difficult to write about something you don’t have personal experience with (that’s why none of my characters are smokers, for example). As such, a lot of the same errors keep cropping up in a lot of m/m fic, transcending fandoms, and all across the world. So, for your information, here is something you may find helpful:
Ten Facts about Anal Sex and Penises, Presented by a Dude Who Has Had Sex:
- Before you write, research your setting and learn medical facts about the demographic. For example: 70% of men in the US are circumcised, regardless of religion. And getting cut doesn’t leave a scar; it just creates something called a flayed discoloration. This would not be anything fascinating to an American man because it’s the norm. If anything, they would be fascinated by an uncut one. Most American men have never seen a foreskin.
- Men do not require lubricant to jack off, even if they are circumcised. Dry masturbation is not painful. The purpose of lotion is to simulate a vagina, not to alleviate pain. This is because the skin is not being rubbed; it is being pushed. Try to jack off your arm and apply just enough pressure to slide the skin over the muscle, and note how it doesn’t hurt at all.
- Men get boners ridiculously fast and for absolutely no reason. It may seem like a sexist exaggeration that simply looking at a boob would make a dude pop a boner, or that wearing dress slacks would do it, but it’s not. The story about sporting a surprise spear in math class is so true, men can’t even find it funny. Think of it as the male equivalent of getting your period in class; it’s that real and possible. So stop writing men taking forever to get hard, or getting embarrassed when they get hard quickly. They grew up with their hyperactive genitalia, they’re used to it, they don’t care.
- Do not confuse a chubby with a half-hard dick. A chubby looks flaccid, but is swollen; it is a dick on the path to getting hard, and this is a transitory state in constant motion. Chubbies do not leak precum; halfies do. A “half-hard dick” is kind of a misnomer, because it has fully erected, but is not on the edge of ejaculating. It does not look half-hard; they are not floppy. Stop confusing these states of bonerism.
- The size of a flaccid dick has nothing to do with its size when erect. Some are like Slinkies: one moment it fits in a Pez dispenser; the next you can stretch it down the block. Others are the same size whether hard or soft. You cannot tell if a man is a grower or a shower just by looking at a softie.
- If a man needs to ejaculate and is denied, the urge doesn’t just slowly ebb away. The nuts expect to release, and when they don’t, they start screaming. Orgasm denial is painful. It’s an ache in the balls similar to getting kicked. That’s what “blue balls” is. When a man’s dick is fully hard and leaking precum, he has to ejaculate, or it is going to hurt. Dudes aren’t like chicks; they can’t fuck some and then stop without release if their partner cums first.
- Dudes aren’t like chicks. Therefore: The ass does not work like the vagina. The rectum does not produce its own lubricant and will not “get easier” with continued motion; it actually gets drier because the rectal walls absorb lube. The anus has much higher elasticity than the vagina and snaps back into place almost instantly (you don’t leak farts and butt juice for hours after a poop, do you?).
- Many women can fuck straight through an orgasm and cum multiple times in one round. Men cannot marathon orgasms like that. When a man ejaculates, he is done and goes flaccid. In the second round, orgasm takes significantly longer to reach. Stop writing dudes ejaculating twice in one round of sex.
- The Ass Doesn’t Work Like The Vagina Part 2: The rectum is largely devoid of stimulation. You don’t feel every groove and inch of your poop as it moves, do you? The stimulation comes from the anus and the prostate, not the rectal walls. If the sex is bareback, the catcher will almost certainly not feel the ejaculate of the pitcher. If the pitcher’s dong is really long, it will reach a point where the catcher feels like their entire belly is full of dick, the way you feel bloated when you have a big poop.
- You have to be really, really turned on for anal sex to work. The anus is not one o-ring, but two, spaced about half an inch apart, and the inner o-ring is involuntary; it is always clenched unless you are about to poop (that is why farts make noise). The only way that inner ring relaxes is if a flux of hormones makes your lower abdominal muscles relax; in other words, you have to be so turned on your ass forgets to stay shut. This is why undrugged anal rape is so difficult. Consensual, heat-of-the-moment anal sex is not painful at all.
THE PROBLEMS WITH FANFICTION
we’ve all read a fanfic that was so disturbing it changed ur life
do you sometimes read fanfics so fucked up that you continue reading them
man-on-man buttsex rules according to all the fanfics
- one finger two finger three finger DICK
- if the bottom doesnt stay ROCK HARD while having a cock shoved in his backdoor something is amiss
- bottom has to come while being penetrated. bottom may reach critical mass and self-destruct if orgasm is not reached within the anal sex time limit
- top’s cock is an autopiloted prostate-seeking missile wtf is that lets get NASA on this or some shit
- everyone carries around travel-size packets of lube? possible that there is a snack bar of lube and condoms somewhere and they just stuff their pockets on the way out
- spit is an acceptable substitute for lube
- love is also an acceptable substitute for lube
Fan fiction is what literature might look like if it were reinvented from scratch after a nuclear apocalypse by a band of brilliant pop-culture junkies trapped in a sealed bunker. They don’t do it for money. That’s not what it’s about. The writers write it and put it up online just for the satisfaction. They’re fans, but they’re not silent, couchbound consumers of media. The culture talks to them, and they talk back to the culture in its own language.
This is probably the best, non-judgmental description of fan fiction I’ve ever heard of in main stream media.
Do you ever find yourself watching something at 3 am only to be overwhelmed by some absurd new pairing, then suddenly you’re shipping it like it’s the last fucking ship on earth and the world is hurtling towards the sun.
Then you wake up the next morning with a terrible fic-hangover and look back and wonder what the fuck you’re even doing with you life, and realize you’ve just had a one-night stand with a ship.
tywinning asked you:
As a professor, may I ask you what you think about fanfiction?
I think fanfiction is literature and literature, for the most part, is fanfiction, and that anyone that dismisses it simply on the grounds that it’s derivative knows fuck-all about literature and needs to get the hell off my lawn.
Most of the history of Western literature (and probably much of non-Western literature, but I can’t speak to that) is adapted or appropriated from something else. Homer wrote historyfic and Virgil wrote Homerfic and Dante wrote Virgilfic (where he makes himself a character and writes himself hanging out with Homer and Virgil and they’re like “OMG Dante you’re so cool.” He was the original Gary Stu). Milton wrote Bible fanfic, and everyone and their mom spent the Middle Ages writing King Arthur fanfic. In the sixteenth century you and another dude could translate the same Petrarchan sonnet and somehow have it count as two separate poems, and no one gave a fuck. Shakespeare doesn’t have a single original plot—although much of it would be more rightly termed RPF—and then John Fletcher and Mary Cowden Clarke and Gloria Naylor and Jane Smiley and Stephen Sondheim wrote Shakespeare fanfic. Guys like Pope and Dryden took old narratives and rewrote them to make fun of people they didn’t like, because the eighteenth century was basically high school. And Spenser! Don’t even get me started on Spenser.
Here’s what fanfic authors/fans need to remember when anyone gives them shit: the idea that originality is somehow a good thing, an innately preferable thing, is a completely modern notion. Until about three hundred years ago, a good writer, by and large, was someone who could take a tried-and-true story and make it even more awesome. (If you want to sound fancy, the technical term is imitatio.) People were like, why would I wanna read something about some dude I’ve never heard of? There’s a new Sir Gawain story out, man! (As to when and how that changed, I tend to blame Daniel Defoe, or the Modernists, or reality television, depending on my mood.)
I also find fanfic fascinating because it takes all the barriers that keep people from professional authorship—barriers that have weakened over the centuries but are nevertheless still very real—and blows right past them. Producing literature, much less circulating it, was something that was well nigh impossible for the vast majority of people for most of human history. First you had to live in a culture where people thought it was acceptable for you to even want to be literate in the first place. And then you had to find someone who could teach you how to read and write (the two didn’t necessarily go together). And you needed sufficient leisure time to learn. And be able to afford books, or at least be friends with someone rich enough to own books who would lend them to you. Good writers are usually well-read and professional writing is a full-time job, so you needed a lot of books, and a lot of leisure time both for reading and writing. And then you had to be in a high enough social position that someone would take you seriously and want to read your work—to have access to circulation/publication in addition to education and leisure time. A very tiny percentage of the population fit those parameters (in England, which is the only place I can speak of with some authority, that meant from 500-1000 A.D.: monks; 1000-1500: aristocratic men and the very occasional aristocratic woman; 1500-1800: aristocratic men, some middle-class men, a few aristocratic women; 1800-on, some middle-class women as well).
What’s amazing is how many people who didn’t fit those parameters kept writing in spite of the constant message they got from society that no one cared about what they had to say, writing letters and diaries and stories and poems that often weren’t discovered until hundreds of years later. Humans have an urge to express themselves, to tell stories, and fanfic lets them. If you’ve got access to a computer and an hour or two to while away of an evening, you can create something that people will see and respond to instantly, with a built-in community of people who care about what you have to say.
I do write the occasional fic; I wish I had the time and mental energy to write more. I’ll admit I don’t read a lot of fic these days because most of it is not—and I know how snobbish this sounds—particularly well-written. That doesn’t mean it’s “not good”—there are a lot of reasons people read fic and not all of them have to do with wanting to read finely crafted prose. That’s why fic is awesome—it creates a place for all kinds of storytelling. But for me personally, now that my job entails reading about 1500 pages of undergraduate writing per year, when I have time to read for enjoyment I want it to be by someone who really knows what they’re doing. There’s tons of high-quality fic, of course, but I no longer have the time and patience to go searching for it that I had ten years ago.
But whether I’m reading it or not, I love that fanfiction exists. Because without people doing what fanfiction writers do, literature wouldn’t exist. (And then I’d be out of a job and, frankly, I don’t know how to do anything else.)
Post with 6 notes
Hm, I actually wrote fanfic. Decided to fill this prompt on the kinkmeme:
The super-soldier serum made Steve extra sensitive to touch - but lowered his pain threshold. And by extra sensitive I mean really sensitive. Skin-to-skin contact = instantly hard sensitive.
He’s learned to keep people at a distance so this doesn’t get discovered (and used against him) - but Tony finds out.
+1 for Tony finding out by accidentally arousing him
+10 for Tony finding out by accidentally giving him an orgasm in his pants
+100 for Tony finding out while they’re on a mission
+1000 for Tony abusing the heck outta this before they get into a stable relationship (if they get into a stable relationship)
So here goes: